Weird angel near the waterfall
by LenaKaitoKuroiRico
Summary: Summary: You can't hide from your problems forever… Calthazar reunion with a small flashback to pre-series time. Warning: death of one hairless ape, angst and fluff


People are no more in this universe than ants. They both come in this world for a little moment. People do different things in their lifetime, sometimes their actions can even lead to awful sequences like apocalypse or just fall of one naïve angel… But in the end, no matter how extraordinary and incredible people are, they still die. And all their lives become just another page in an ancient book, called "Life". They become history. And after some times all that gets too boring to remember. Memories like sand wind away, not staying in minds of new generations. And there are only one creatures that still remember everything, who really know the truth, because they've been there. One creatures that just cannot forget. And it's their gift and their curse. For all their sins, for every step they've made wrong.

Lately I found myself a new hobby. I just wander around thinking about the past. It's too human and sentimental… But I just can't otherwise. Because all that "team free will", "rebellions", it was exactly what lead me to who I'm now: just lonely fallen angel. And also I think about all brothers and sisters I've lost because of those "great battles" and "big plans". I was such a fool. And this is what I really deserve. Just to become no one.

- Castiel, - I hear small and unsure voice near me.

- Hello, Inias,

- Castiel, I still wish you'd come back to us. Everyone is waiting for you. They miss you.

I smile and look at the sky. How could I come to them? How could I look in the eyes of angels I've hurt…and killed?

- What's the point if I have no one to return to? I'm sorry, Inais, but this talks are void of sense. Don't waste your time on some pathetic fallen angel.

- But, Castiel…

Even if Father's returned all the angels back to Heaven. It makes it even harder.

- Why? I just don't get it. Especially now, when Winchester…

I turn around and look at brother a lit bit angry.

- Inias, please, don't talk about him… Just leave me alone.

He sighs and disappears, leaving me to my memories about my broken dreams.

When I first opened my eyes, just after my Father'd created me, the first thing that I realized was not "how amazing the smell of this unbelievable flowers were" or some nonsence about "bright white light". The first thing that I noticed was how noisy it was there. Big loud crowd of sisters and brothers, always laughing, talking, yelling, quarreling with each other. Heaven is a peaceful and calm place only in books and at some pictures.

It wasn't strange at all that I always felt myself some kind of tired. And there also was one more reason. Hundreds, thousands of sisters and brothers, but I was lonely. Maybe it was because I was one of the youngest, but it seemed like no one really cared that I even existed. So that's why I always tried to find some quite place, where I could just be alone, sat there and thought about nothing and everything. And soon I'd finally found such a place. It was my secret oasis. Nice lain near the waterfall with deep green grass and purple little flowers, which hadn't even had a name than. I just stood there for hours after my missions and enjoyed the view. It was nice and peaceful time. No big wars or epidemics…So long time ago. I was young, inexperienced and a little arrogant then. I was pleased that I had some secret, something that was only mine.

But one day when I went to my secret place I almost freezed for a few seconds. Someone was already there. That angel with funny accent and dirty blond hair. Balthazar. I'd heard some of my brothers talking about him. He was a problem angel with a cocky smile, sharp tongue and full bag of dirty jokes. Noone really liked him, but surprisingly enough he still always was in the center of everyone's attention. Always joking and smiling. I'd never considered to find him in such a place like this, never thought that he would try to hide from everyone's eyes just like me. But it still didn't make me take pity of him, because he was sitting in my secret place. My place!

- I know you're here, - Suddenly Balthazar said, not even changing his position, not even looking my way. - So stop trying to burn holes in me and come here closer or go away.

He was sitting on the grass, putting his palms under the streams of the water. He looked so peaceful.  
- So, what will you choose?

I was a little irritated by his calmness and condescending tone. After all it was my place. How dared he to command something to me? If there were anyone to leave it was definitely him, and not me.

- It's my secret place!

This impudent angel just laughed.

- What are you, five? It's Heaven. There is no "mine" and "yours" here.

- I'm not five, I'm already six, - I said offended.

- Years?

- Weeks!  
- Oh, - he said taking his arm from the water and shifting his whole attention to me. – So, you're the new kid, then. Castiel, right?

Balthazar smiled at me. And I didn't know why, but his generous cheerful from all heart smile, made me blush a lit.

- Hey, come here, Cassie.

I was confused by unusual nickname, but still made some unsure steps to this weird angel.

- Closer, closer.

I made another couple of steps. This time with confidently.  
- Now sit.

I'd never been so embarrassed in my life before, even if there were no visible reasons for this. I still was flushing red. Though it was so uncharacteristic for angels. I sat near Balthazar. We were really close. I could touch his knee with mine if I really want.

I don't know, I really thought that angel would tell me something, maybe some story or even read me notation. Anything. But we sat there for hours, listening to the sounds of nature, watching water falling and kept silence.

More than two months went before Balthazar's presence stopped making me tense. Instead, in time he became the only one with whom I could feel myself relaxed, safe… It always was so peaceful and comfortable near him.

Minutes, hours have gone by since those days. So much time… I think I haven't been in Heaven for almost twenty years now. Just like some kid, who did something wrong and is too afraid to return home, because his parents would punish him. But it's so…painful. And I'm too much of a coward to meet someone's blue eyes. Previous warrior, yeah, very revealing . Maybe… I should try. Just to make sure that no one really cares, that he's mad like the other and don't want to see me ever again. For the last time.

This place is still beautiful. Violets blooms everywhere, bees fly from one flower to another with a soft hum, gentle murmur of the waterfall… And then I notice him. Balthazar sits near the waterfall like so many years ago in some expensive black jacket. He doesn't speak and I want to simply run away, but then I change my mind, I come closer then sit near him. Balthazar continues to keep silence and it just breaks my heart. It hurts so much. He always was the only one. There were subordinates, commanders allies…but he always was the only friend I've ever had. The only one who was always near no matter what, who really cared about me, who…

- I've heard elder Winchester died, - Balthazar finally says.

I nod.

- Yeah.

- Who would've thought that that hairless ape would die so absurd. To be knocked down by a car. Maybe whose bitchy fate sisters nonetheless have a sense of humor.

I just shrug my shoulders. At first I grieved, reproached myself, was angry, in despair, depression… I was overwhelmed with emotions. But now I'm empty. The mentioning of Deans's death doesn't even make me feel echo of pain anymore.

- Balthazar, - my voice is so weak and shaking. – I'm so sorry, so…sorry.

- Sh-h, come here, Cassie. It's okay. Everything is going to be okay.

I begin to cry like some little human baby. Balthazar holds me for hours in his arms until I stop. And it's so embarrassing, but also so good.

After, that day, angels'd almost make a "welcome home" party for me. Inias would light up like some 200-watt bulb at my appearance, Gabriel'd try to feed me chocolate cake with some sweets. Everyone'd hug me and say different variation of "it wasn't your fault" and "now when the war is over, everything would be fine"... But the best memory of that day for me would always be a feeling of firm arms, pressing me closely and a soft whisper:  
- You'll always have me, Cas.


End file.
